A Letter from Ultra to Marilyn

Dear Marilyn,

A long time ago, when he was 19, my son Darnell got arrested for selling weed. He ended up in the county jail in Santa Rita. When I saw him there…he cried like a baby. He said, I’m not gonna do this anymore, Mom. Get me out of here. He was not one of those kids who pretends jail doesn’t affect him.

But I always came to his rescue. I’m always doing things to make sure he’s okay. I was. I tried to protect him from Oakland. We moved to Suisun. But Oakland is our home. We came back.

One Saturday morning I was in a meeting at work and my phone kept going off. It was my daughter, then her cousin, then a family friend. It was annoying. They knew I was at work. When the meeting was over, I called my daughter back. That morning, at 6 a.m., it was in November and still dark out when it happened, in front of a store on 79th, my son Darnell was shot once in the head and killed. Some people tell me a lady near where he got shot heard him say ‘Somebody help me.’ That’s all I know that my son said. He didn’t have a gun, but he did call for help.

I was in disbelief, but disbelief doesn’t protect you. Nothing can explain the emptiness. It is worse than pain. And the loneliness. It’s a place no one can go to with you. Except Youth Alive. Youth Alive showed up.

It was a Saturday and the coroners was closed. That weekend a lady called me named Marilyn Harris, from Youth Alive. Her son was killed on a Friday and the coroners was closed the day she found out. She entered my life in the darkest moment. I found out I was not alone. She became my guide. My eyes and my ears through those desperate days. She helped me apply for funds from the county to pay for a funeral. She explained to me how to get my son’s body from the coroner to the funeral home. She met me at the funeral home to help me plan. She brought me things I needed. She accompanied me through the darkness.

Today I’m strong. Today, people look at me and say they can’t tell what I’ve been through. But this is a story that is killing my heart. If I looked like my story I’d probably be missing all my hair, all my teeth, one leg, no hands. One thing Marilyn does, she leads a monthly grief group for parents, where it’s comfortable for us to speak about our situation with others who have gone through it. These days, more and more, people who have lost a son or daughter come to me for support. Helping them helps me heal.

I want to be like Marilyn Harris, to be able to inspire others. So I’m studying to be a nurse. I volunteer at Highland Hospital, helping families in the same place I was when I lost Darnell. Last year I turned his bedroom into a sitting room. We have a glass case in there with some of his things in it. Sometimes, when I sit in there, he talks to me. I hear him. I hear him telling me, “Moms, it’s gonna be all right.” And I know it is, and I thank Youth Alive for all their help.

Sincerely,

Ultra